It’s that time of year again, friends; The kids are high on corn syrup, Hocus Pocus is on twice a day, and your neighbor’s yard looks like the Halloween aisle at Michael’s threw up on it. Must be October!
In honor of this, our favorite holiday, we think you deserve a treat. And we know nothing pleases you little little masochists more than watching us publicly embarrass ourselves. Thus we offer:
The Top 10 Most Memorable Parthenon Halloween Costumes
Some of these are good, some are bad, and some we can’t believe a grown man would publicly admit. Treat. Yo. Self.
I was 12 or 13, and I thought I’d go as a badass redneck. The costume wasn’t much more than jeans, boots, and a flannel shirt. To get into character, I thought I needed a big chaw of Red Man chewing tobacco. After about 20 minutes with that addition, I was puking my guts out. Didn’t eat much candy that Halloween.
I’m one of those guys that dress like a hobo every year because it takes no planning. I know, lame. On the better years I would get black wax and block out all my teeth except one.
Editor’s note: Carlton is to Halloween what The Grinch is to Christmas except his heart does not grow three sizes in the final act.
My best costume was a bumblebee. My dad used Christmas lights and a battery pack to get my wings to light up. However I still insisted on everyone calling me a bee instead of a lightning bug because I was The Worst.
One year I thought I would rock my small town Halloween costume contest by sporting one of my dad’s blue blazers, a cane and this really sweet three-eyed mask I got somewhere. I was going for a sort of distinguished goblin look. I didn’t win any prizes, but to this day I contend my outfit was better than the stupid M&M’s costume that won. The judges just didn’t get it!
Editor’s note: See photo. I reserve the right to remain silent on All Things Clown. But when she snaps, remember that you were warned.
When I was very little I dressed as Yoda. I don’t remember, but the story is that I stopped at every house to tell them who I was dressed as and strike up conversation. I was with my mom’s best friend and her daughter, who is a few years older. My mom’s friend thought I was hilarious but her daughter was pissed that I was too slow to get candy from a lot of houses.
I don’t dress up for Halloween. The last time I did anything related to Halloween was around 2005. Work clothes + pirate hat (with dreads) + my long hair + random He-Man sword = laziest costume ever.
My best costume as a kid was a martian, which sounds sort of boring, but my mom made me this great shiny gold dress, painted my face green, and braided my hair into dozens of braids with pipe cleaners, then pinned them up all around my head.
My worst costume – and possibly one of my more despicable acts as a person – is when I was 16 and went trick or treating with no costume. I literally just grabbed a pillow case and went in whatever I was wearing that day. So I went trick or treating as “a teenager” in an attempt to get free candy.
I have no memory of this, but apparently when I was four my mom dressed me as a little Dutch girl. It was because my grandparents had visited Holland and bought the whole outfit complete with wooden shoes for my little sister, but she was only a toddler then and it did not fit her.
Editor’s note: Let’s get this straight: Michael’s sister would have eventually grown into this outfit, but his mother wanted to put this on someone so much that even her 4-year-old son would do. That is some off-the-charts enthusiasm. We salute you, Mrs. Nott.