In general, Parthenon is a pretty talkative place. We talk about ideas. We talk about technology. We talk about the guy who comes to our floor every day to use the men’s bathroom and talks on his bluetooth THE. WHOLE. TIME. But I – in my never-ending quest to only blog about holidays and puppies – have found one thing people will not talk about: their love lives.
I asked a simple question: Tell me the most or least romantic thing you’ve ever done or had done for you. Jiminy effin’ crickets. When the conversation turns to romance, the Parthenon Well of Words dries up faster than our beer stash on Funday.
So, I present to you the dregs of Valentine’s Day past – the stuff I squeezed out of my coworkers against their wills and with more bitching and moaning than when Joe forgot to tell people Fun was canceled last Friday. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Better late than never?
Monday was my wife’s birthday and we went out to dinner. I totally forgot to sneak off to tell the staff to put a candle in the dessert, which I realized halfway through eating dessert. So, she got a candle in a 90 percent-eaten dessert to blow out.
The hopeless romantic
A few months ago I was riding my bike through Percy Warner and saw my wife’s car parked near the hiking trails where she was running. I jumped off my bike and grabbed whatever I could find to leave a message on the ground near her car. Now it’s the home screen on her iPhone.
Editor’s note: When I started reading this submission, I immediately assumed he was either going to write a scary message or jump out and scare her because apparently all the men I know are sociopaths.
Cheese > Men
I couldn’t come up with a good one, so enjoy this food porn: 31 grilled cheeses that are better than a boyfriend.
No frills
One year my boyfriend sent me a dozen roses and a teddy bear holding a heart. When I called to thank him, he told me he picked that bear because I had ripped his heart out on more than one occasion. Then again, this is the man who gave me a cast-iron skillet and a Taser for Christmas, so we all knew where the bar was.
All out of love
When I was courting my future wife I put together an epic mixed CD on Valentine’s Day. The selections I chose were so well thought out and earnest in intention that she couldn’t help but be moved beyond words. (Perhaps a slight exaggeration.) It included stuff I like – Jeff Buckley, Norah Jones – with songs that were perhaps a bit tongue in cheek – Air Supply, Richard Marx.
Editor’s note: Please do not joke about Air Supply.
Locking it down
One of my friends put a lock on a statue on the Ponte Vecchio in Florence, took a picture and made a construction paper valentine with it for his girlfriend. I don’t really know what that means, but Google told me there are a lot of locks on the bridge, so it must be really romantic. Now they’re totally married. Is that good enough?
An office & a gentleman
On Valentine’s Day in 2007, I went to work like I normally did and inside the office’s back door there was a trail of rose petals leading all the way to my cube. Inside my cubicle my husband had put flowers, candy, balloons, streamers, a lit-up sign, a teddy bear and cards all over the place. It was awesome! He calls it the time “Cupid puked all over my office.”
Editor’s note: It’s a good thing he did not try this at Parthenon. The air is too thick with sarcasm for romantic gestures to survive.
He (never) went to Jared!
My upstairs neighbor in Los Angeles had been seeing this fella for about a year. She taught school, he was an actor; they were sickeningly precious both together and apart. I happened to be sitting poolside when he came over on Valentine’s Day (it was a Saturday that year) to whisk her out for a romantic dinner. That girl was ready to start trying on veils, so imagine her surprise when he gifted her with a slide projector. “It’ll be great for your class,” he explained. And they say romance is dead.
Flower power
My husband has always been on it for sending roses on all the key days – birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day. I was terribly impressed that he made that effort until I found out that the florist keeps track and pings customers beforehand: “Last year you sent your wife a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day. Would you like to send her roses again this year?” So nice work, Emma’s Flowers … and thank you.
The clean break
I always make sure to break up with my girlfriends before Valentine’s Day, so I don’t have a good answer.
Editor’s note: Wow.
Also, even if I did, why would I tell you? Then my girlfriend would see the romantic thing I did for someone else and wonder why I didn’t do it for her. OR if I picked something an old girlfriend did for me and it wasn’t my current girlfriend, she would be pissed. OR if I picked something my ex did and my ex saw it, she would think we are getting back together.
Editor’s note: Double wow. Please excuse me while I scrape the dead body of Love off the floor of my office and dispose of it.